Society is all about the baby folk and tend to forget the baby-less have feelings too. Perhaps the friends pulling away have issues with babies for one reason or another and are not trying to treat her badly at all. Just remove them selves from a situation that brings up bad feelings for them.
I have heard baby-less friends say often how they REALLY want to remove new baby mamas on social platforms because of the pics. "there just too hard to see", "it actually makes me angry". And while society will afford a horribly behaving pregnant woman a free pass, A woman who cannot have a baby and is grieving over it daily gets no leniency whatsoever.
People push, are insistent and get mad without ever thinking of those around them. What about the feelings of the person who has not been able to have a baby? They are EXPECTED to faun over someone who as much as They are happy for them, or at least want to be. Bring up negative emotions. And when They don't want to, its the baby-less who are perceived as the trespassers.
I know this is hard to hear and I assume many people will be offended by this post. I am sorry if you feel this way. I don't believe in the war on mothers any more than I believe in the Easter bunny. This post is not meant to be to be an angry hate letter to mothers. It is meant to invite people to take pause.
In the manner post I mentioned above, why was it not the first response for this manners guru to question if the friend had personal issues that may make her feel this way? Instead it was straight to an attack at " the friends who treated this new mother so poorly".
Everyone handles being baby-less differently. You can probably tell from the post and the rang of emotion I have put into it that I to am baby-less. Five miscarriages later I have chosen that what I want more than anything in this subject is to move on. I don't want my life to focus on this loss. The truth is you can never totally move on. You are faced day to day with new mothers who want to talk to you endlessly about a pregnancy you cant have. Endless facebook photos and parent stories. The endless "if you are a mommy you are the world campaigns. People who think they are well meaning repeatedly suggest you "try again". I just want it to go away. I know others who want to hold everyone's babies. Babysit and take every moment they can to feel like a mommy. Non of us are wrong. We are allowed , even if society doesn't see it that way, to make our own decision on how we want to handle our Pain. We are such a quiet tribe. Feeling like while society creates such a hype about the baby folk we have no voice. And no right to make one heard. No right to say no to the things that hurt us. The hardest thing for me being baby-less is the thoughtlessness of others. So here are some tips for your baby-less friends.
Don't hesitate to invite your baby-less friends to your baby shower. Some may in fact find it a insult if you don't! You may think about including a small note to let them know you don't expect there attendance to be mandatory and will understand if they don't show.
I wanted to send you a invite. I understand if you do not want to come
but wanted you to know I love you and would like you here if you can.
you are in my heart,
People in there own happiness tend to forget others. Its just part of humanity. However the more we can include others in our thoughts the happier everyone is. Try to remember not to push baby stuff on your friends. If they dont want to attend the baby shower, let them be. Offer and step back. Ask your friend if they want baby pictures before delivering. While you are wanting to share a piece of your happiness with them this can act as a reminder of what they cant have. If your friend declines to hold the baby DO NOT KEEP OFFERING!!! If you want to be sure they wont change there mind, tell them nicely if they change there mind to let you know.
Oh the number of phrases people think are cute or helpful to say to a baby-less person. Just dont. Its not cute at all to them. It actually more often than not serves as a slap in the face. Here are some examples.
"You can have my kids"
"You can take my kids any time you like-
(this one has sub category)
- -you can spoil them and send them home and not have to deal with it."
- -It will be just like having your own. "
- -Im tired of them"
"You dont want kids any way."
"Cant you just adopt?"
My favorite one was told to me at a friends baby shower.
" you don't have kids you don't know".
The look on her face when I told her "no, and I cant carry over two months. Doesn't mean I haven't spent a hell of a lot of time taking care of other peoples kids." was almost worth it. The audacity to make someone go to a baby shower and tell them they cant speak is crazy.
The mommy is god posts, memes, posters, t-shirts, shoe laces and tattoos. Yah I know your happy and want to share with the world. But did anyone stop to think that saying that mommy is everything also says if you cant have a baby your no one?